by Jarad Perry
So the thermostat for the Earth is broken, big deal, all we need to do is sit back and wait for the union electrician to come and fix it. In the mean time, it is high time the granola crowd got a few things straight about this whole climate business. I say it is about time the Earth started to warm up a bit, been a bit chilly the last few hundred years what with the Little Ice Age in the 14th century. I don’t think of it as the globe getting warmer, but more like somebody just threw another piece of coal on the fire, the Bob Cratchit special as it were.
It doesn’t seem all that bad really, the globe warming. I mean if the globe was a bit more comfortable then the better for everyone. Now, some may ask about the real impact of the globe getting a few degrees in the positive, and yes there may be some concern such as drought, famine, heat stroke, malaria from mosquitoes in stagnant water etc., but those are all minor ‘Inconveniences’ that the world will eventually get use too. I think the pay off of being able to throw out those ugly sweaters one gets for Christmas is worth it. Sorry nana, but Johnny doesn’t care how hard you worked on that brown Santa sweater, it is getting recycled (just because we are letting the globe warm doesn’t mean we have to be uncivilized and not recycle).
Aside from a few upset grandmothers, the fashion forward thing to do would be let the mercury rise. However, there are other benefits as well from a slightly warmer globe. Such a benefit would be that nobody would ever suffer from frost bite, hypothermia, the chills, or black eyes from getting hit by a fast flying snowball.
Imagine the man hours that will be saved if no one ever had to shovel snow again, but instead used that time to improve the economy. Yes, there may be some fallout with the under thirteen year old crowd losing out on shoveling wages, but they can more than make it up with mowing the permanently green lawns.
Home improvement stores will see their sales skyrocket from all the do-it-yourselfers who now are able to work year round on their houses without the interruption of six feet of snow. A warmer globe is starting to sound pretty good right about now.
Yet, I know there are still those naysayers who worry about all the species that will become extinct in certain parts of the globe if the temperature rises just a tad. However, it is not the fault of man but of evolution. If those creatures can’t adapt and learn how to deal with the heat then maybe we should hunt them down and increase the food supply. Jerky is the new fade, I can see it now….. “Whacky Jimmy’s Extinct Species Jerky. Made from the finest meat that use to be.” Once again, an economic boom will ensue with all the new products being developed.
If eating rare, soon to be extinct species is not your shtick then here is something else to think about, “If the globe gets warmer won’t people need new air conditioners?” You bet your arse they will, and the American worker will be more than happy to oblige. The United States could once again have a manufacturing sector that will take the world by storm, literally. So a few thunderstorms may be created by a warming world, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t opportunity. More rain means more crops and more crops mean more food, and so with a warming Earth world hunger will be a thing of the past.
I can sense there are still a few skeptics out there that don’t seem to be sold on the positive economic impact global warming will have, so let’s look at the whole issue from another angle. Rain Forests, everyone is concerned with deforestation, but with global warming rain forests will spring back anew like a phoenix from the ashes. With all rain falling to the ground and the temperatures the envy of a tropical paradise, shoots of green will spring forth from the rich black soil and bring forth the glorious canopy around the globe.
Allowing the earth to warm will mean rain forests will become the norm and all the cute little monkey’s can swing from tree to tree as if in a young boy’s dream. Now doesn’t that just should wonderful? It does to me, monkeys are nature’s jester and laughter is the best medicine so with that we have just solved the medical crisis.
Also, if the globe is already warming we won’t have to worry about using fossil fuels; in fact, they will become en vogue once again. Imagine ladies walking around with little vials of that black gold on a flawless diamond necklace hung loosely around their necks. If that does not scream next year’s need to have accessory I don’t know what does.
Also, with oil once again king of the fuels, driving gas guzzling machines will be the new chique. Driving a hummer will no longer be a mortal ‘green sin’, but a way of showing one’s support for the United States; even the word ‘green’ will be out of style. The possibilities are endless in a warming world.
So before everyone jumps on the band wagon for the green train to poorville, just take a step back and really think about whether a warmer world would be a bad thing. I can certainly find no fault with a warming world. In fact, I think those who want to keep the world the same are the ones who truly hate humanity. Think about it. If the world was warmer, who is to say there will be any wars? The great giants of a child’s dream, Dinosaurs, lived in much warmer temperatures and, as such, there is nothing to say that aside from the occasional hunting accident, Dinosaurs got along quite well.
So let the warmongers preach about the need to cool the globe, I say light up the grill, turn on the A/C, and rev up that hummer. The world is going to get a little more awesome.